on true intentions

when making connections, when remembering names and details and paying compliments with a simper & smirk, it is critical to allow one's self to wonder why. am I merely endearing myself to people, to feel secure, to seem indispensable?

though self-absorption and utter selflessness may be two very different specimens rooted in quite different places, their fruit can bear an uncanny similarity. it's wise to be keen to such, troubling as good discernment may be.

on moving forward and staying behind

the bitterest of self-truths can be realized through repetition: that many of my actions are selfishly motivated.

similarly, many of my greatest insecurities are diminished through a similar slow process: I have big hands, such long fingers, for a woman.

tuning in the former allows me to tune in to my true intention.

but as for the latter, the awareness alone is not sufficient--one could say that awareness if the problem. in private situations I move and use my hands freely. but in public, to do something as simple as brush my brow would seem as to brandish my hands and risk drawing attention to them. very truly, I am crippled by insecurity.

I would rather concentrate my focus on the first problem. how I interact with others matters more than my own self-concept. but I know that my physical insecurities must be addressed, to, because how can I wholly focus on others if a large part of my attention remains fixed on my own self?

on shadows on display

one who craves more from life than aimless adventure, for he knows that nothing grants more excitement and pain than living with purpose.

one who relishes more than his own firm form, or the softness of a lithe young woman. who lets poignancy sing in his heart but pursues that which lacks artistry, too, because it is good. sometimes good isn't immediately beautiful.

on what is required

I must get more moved, more motivated.

on dark jeans and decisions

in my usual fashion, here are a few thoughts--scattered so far, but that is an acceptable state for them, for now.

I've been reading Deep Economy by Bill McKibben and he makes the point that many of us spend more time with the anonymous rich than we do our next door neighbors. "they inflate the viewer's perceptions of what others have, and by extension what is worth acquiring--what one must have in order to avoid being 'out of it.'" 

with our eyes on a more popular, polished, and well-off crowd we align our standards for assets and attire with a transient and literally unrealistic breed. this elusive ideal is like an ivory tower growing ever-taller, its foundation girded and reenforced with a myriad of sources for what is new, and cutting edge. instead of taking our cues for what is acceptable attire from our friends and neighbors, we can check photo albums of distant acquaintances and movie stars alike thanks to facebook and flickr and TMZ, and tap into this compendium of cool without ever venturing beyond our own bedroom door. 

am I advocating that we all look and dress the same? of course not. as McKibben says, "we would not discard individuality for some drab collectivist future; instead, we would re-rembed individuals in some context where our impulses make more sense and do less damage."

so, perhaps my impulse for individuality would not mean I buy a new pair of jeans just because they are a cooler wash than what my buddies and I currently have (but maybe the exact same wash that the cool kids downtown wear) ... and because I have a 30% off discount code. perhaps it means I consider the tired hands of the twenty year old in Vietnam who stitched together those jeans for me because he had to make money instead of go to college. perhaps it means I do something that doesn't require me spending money to adorn myself, but rather takes only my time and attentiveness to others. 

I pride myself on being aware and tuned-in to what's going on, fashion or otherwise. what's that worth compared to tuning in to my community?

on asparagus and its life after death

dead & dying-off stalks from mature asparagus beds can be reused as mulch and, better yet, between rows and along raised beds. they'll break down eventually, but pile them high and for a growing season they'll keep the weeds down & the bulk of soil in place--and they distribute your weight across a broad area, so you can walk on them without compressing the soil beneath.

on human bodies

insecurities about our own physicalities may be rooted in the faulty belief that idiosyncrasies are undesirable. why so, when we're organic beings?