on choosing sides

lately I've been realizing how many of my decisions are based on how I feel about something, rather than what the best decision actually is. there's room for such a silly criteria in plenty of situations. ice cream, for example. if you're going to eat ice cream than there's not a lot to ask besides "what flavor do I want?"

often I feel that being sensitive to desires may be the best idea because I assume some connection between how I am feeling and what I will be capable of doing. and I'm sure that this is valid within certain narrow contexts. for instance, consider a situation in which you have an equal need to do two different things. say, cleaning your bathroom and changing a bike tube. imagine that for whatever reason you're really just not "in" to changing the bike tube right now (is anyone ever excited about that?) but the idea of cleaning the bathroom sounds pretty good--it can be an engaging challenge and the place is much nicer once it's done. in this situation, because there is an equal need for both but an order must be chosen, it makes more sense to first tackle what you're most keen on accomplishing: you'll actually enjoy it, so it will boost your spirits--and you're more likely to do a better job because it isn't drudgery to you.

being attentive to your desires, then, can be empowering--you can throw your weight in an area that is the most meaningful and most effective. this isn't any unique concept: it's merely specialization, utilized on a personal scale.

but sometimes I take this too far, and extrapolate it to situations beyond where it is at all practical. instead of making the most of my ambition, "pursuing my potency" as I like to say, I wind up merely justifying self-indulgence.

but I am beginning to see through this, though. the realization came to me more fully this morning than it ever has before--while listening to Jonsi, go figure. I was sitting in my favorite coffee place, with morning light floating in from the big front window, my heart soaring as the androgynous wall-eyed archangel Jonsi lifted me above this putrid earth and into a brighter, fairer land beyond the skies... whoa whoa hey now, where was I? ah: Jonsi's songs, if you aren't familiar, are gorgeous. resplendent, even. and--though I know this word has been overused--often quite epic. so I was listening to one of these rapturous melodies whilst writing a paper on strategies for small & organic farms to overcome the common causes of farm failure, and I felt as though I was doing one of the most important tasks in the world! as though what I was doing mattered, and that I was happy have the opportunity to be learning about this stuff, and that I could do it, dammit--I could write that paper. in short, I was stoked. all from a great song coupled with a nice setting.

and I got to thinking about other times I feel equally motivated--driving home from work at sunset with a rowdy Americana tune and the windows down, say. yet if I leave work after accomplishing just as many meaningful tasks, at a similarly beautiful time of day, yet do not listen to any good tunes I feel still, stagnant. rather than think about what I need to accomplish when I get home (and feel a great surge of anticipation and excitement about arriving so that I may begin) I disengage and feel overwhelmed, not excited, by the work that awaits me.

to boil all of this down, I know this to be true: I am overly sensitive to my feelings, wants, moods. I have allowed myself to become this way out of selfishness but also a sincere interest in making the most of whatever mental and emotional state that I am in. in this habit I have assumed that my moods and minute desires cannot be controlled or changed to suit what I actually need to do--I've taken for granted that my feelings are fixed, when in fact I can do much to control them. often it's as simple as picking the right song.

what a girly post. eventually I'll write on the need for "grit."