during some parts of the last few years I have focused primarily on the negative aspects of my upbringing, as is the necessary wont of young adults, but my sense of the past is finally expanding to more fairly include the beneficial bits, too. and there were many. ironically, the very conditions that resulted in much social isolation and resulting ills also helped to foster that "rich inner life" that writers from rural areas love alluding to.
but more importantly, it was the responsibilities I had that made such a difference. they were never arbitrary. slack as I was in some areas of my life (because I was a child, and then a teenager!) the discipline I did gain was where it was required. one example of many I could point to is that I was never made to tote buckets upon buckets of warm water in winter time to my horses' troughs by some external, parental force. the knowledge alone of their condition on icy nights and potential for suffering was enough motivation. and if I wouldn't do it, who else would? sure, I could ask my dad or my sister. but why ought they do it if I was the horses' caretaker by default? "I don't want to" wasn't a reasonable excuse. I don't think I ever resented that--at least not for very long.
I remember sleeping late into mornings for a stretch of my life. sometimes my dad would call up and kindly suggest that I consider waking up now. and other times he would remark on how good he feels waking up early, starting the day while it's new and maleable. but the choice as to when to meet the day was largely mine (I was homeschooled so there was no 7 AM bus to catch). another time he called up and said, this time with a slightly stronger tone, "Ariel, you should get up now. it's not good for the horses for you to not maintain a feed schedule."
how could I argue with that? he was offering a real reason for me to be awake: I was neglecting my duties; living things were depending on me. I was needed by some creatures in the conscious world. and given that I was the sort of child who would nearly obsess over nutrition, water quality, UV lighting, and humidity levels for my menagerie of critters, it was plenty to motivate me.
I look back on that as a simple moment of exemplary parenting. it was powerful in part because of its contrast to the many times my dad let me discover on my own that sleeping in feels gross (all the while subtly hinting at the merits of rising earlier). it represented the most beneficial coupling of guidance and permissiveness. and before long, on my own accord, I was waking several hours earlier.
my responsibilities were so part and parcel to the freedom provided by my situation that it was hard to tease the two apart. caring for our horses made sense because they let me climb on their backs and explore the countryside. my mare let me fly across open fields before it was legal to operate any vehicle to achieve comparable speeds. the gelding would cradle his delicate head around the mantle of my bony, angst-laden adolescent shoulders in the way a pal would place his arm around them to draw me closer to comfort.
and I delighted in the physicality of care-oriented tasks about as much as the moments of raw exuberance galloping across the countryside. in fact, I rode comparatively little when one considers the effort put into daily horse care. the transaction wasn't obvious; there was no clear exchange rate. there was joy to be gained from merely existing in the company of creatures.
this was real life--I felt that I had a say in the state of things. this wasn't some manufactured training for hypothetical future responsibilities. instead, I had direct impact. the horses, chickens, crustaceans, reptiles, and so on were existing in the present, meaning the time to act responsibly was now. and because I thought they were sooo cool, I ultimately didn't mind.
(I didn't mean to write about this exactly; I suppose it wanted more attention than the paragraph or two I had originally intended. in the future I want to explore degree to which the availability of tools and my liberty to wield them and manipulate and interact with my physical environment to specific ends as an important element of my development.)
